What If?

Last night I said to James, "What if our baby is born with a disability?" Without missing a beat, he said:

"Then life would be a little more difficult. That's all. No less happy, no less wonderful. Our baby would still be amazing."

The Vessel

Yesterday I was standing (mostly naked) in the mirror, studying my rapidly changing body, when James came up behind me and wrapped me in a big hug. Running his hands over my belly, he said:

"Look at this beautiful, baby-makin' body."

All of My Days

"I'm looking forward to growing old with you." 

Puppy Blues

Dear Baby,

I'm really sad today ... I hope you can't tell. Yesterday we had to give our puppy, Gracie, to the Humane Society because she was aggressive and tried to bite your Mama. Despite her unruly behaviour, I miss her terribly. I'm having a hard time shaking my sadness - I'm sorry if it's affecting you.

Last night your Daddy cheered me up by talking to me about you. We giggled at our funny little family and how interesting it will be to share your life with the people closest to us. Your many aunties and uncles will teach you so much (sarcasm, profanity, and how to be a good and loyal friend), your grandparents will love you fiercely and will make you tons of useful things (Grandma Charlotte) and will tease your Mama and Daddy about being too careful/strict/lenient with you. Your Daddy also imitated what you will look like during your first few months - tiny and wrinkled with a grumpy little face and tiny fists all balled up under your chin. He made your Mama laugh when all she wanted to do was cry. He's so good at that. You'll see.

Your Daddy also reminded me that we gave up our puppy to keep you safe and that, when the time is right, we will get another one. So, while I'm sad and I miss Gracie, I know that we did the right thing and that some day we will introduce you to a new furry best friend. I can't wait to see the look on your face!

Thanks for giving me so much purpose and so much to look forward to.

I love you,
Mama

Eavesdropping on James' Belly Talk

"Hello little one ... I hope you were good for your Mama today. You just stay safe and warm and keep growing, okay? I love you."

Happy Speculation

Dear Baby,

Last night your Daddy and I laid in bed and daydreamed about you - what you will look like, the funny faces you'll make, how terrifying it will be when you realize you can outsmart us ...

I'm afraid I'll screw you up before you even get here - like there's something I can do or say that will bring this entire process to a screeching halt before it really begins. I'm just afraid to lose you. Your Daddy reminded me that we won't be perfect parents and that we'll screw up along the way - probably more than we know. But he also reminded me that, as a team, we will raise you to have integrity and a strong sense of self, and that hopefully those things will carry you through our blunders relatively unharmed.

I hope I'm good enough for you. I'm trying my best - I always will.

Love,
Mama

Belly Whispers

"Hello in there, little one. I love you. I'm going to keep you safe - you'll never have to feel afraid. You're going to grow up strong and happy, kind, smart, and beautiful - just like your Mama."

A Steady Beat

Dear Baby,

Yesterday we saw you. The feeling it gave me was unmatched - until we saw your heart beating. That steady flash on the monitor took my breath away and humbled me more than I'll ever be able to tell you. There you were, all grey and squishy, barely 6 weeks into your development, but your heart was beating 129 beats per minute. Your daddy held my hand and watched the screen, tapping his finger on my skin to match your thumping heart. You're really in there and your heart is beating.

Can you hear my heart beating? Did you know it beats for you?

We love you so much. Keep growing. We'll do the rest.

Love,
Mama

Baby Daddy

Dear Baby,

You are going to have the world's best Daddy. He already loves you so much. He talks to you and tells you he loves you and promises to keep you safe - he thinks about you all the time.

He's going to teach you so many things and take you on a million adventures. He'll teach you how to climb trees (far too high for Mama's comfort) and he'll teach you to dream and explore, even if it's just in our little backyard.

And Baby, he's going to love you the way he loves me. It's overwhelming. His strength and grace and spirit will humble you and bless you. You will never feel unloved.

You're so lucky to have him. We both are.

Love,
Mama

Baby Talk

On Saturday, October 26th, James and I found out we're pregnant again. I cried for a few seconds and then calmly exited the bathroom and sat down next to him on the couch. He was busy on his phone so I waited until he glanced over at me with his trademark smile and slid the positive test into his hand. He stared at it for what felt like forever until slowly a huge grin crept on to his face. He pulled me close and kissed my head and held me while I cried tears of joy. We didn't actually speak for a few minutes until we had to yell at the puppy to stop crawling all over us (she's 40lbs) because we were trying to have a moment.

He placed his hand over my lower abdomen and simply said "We're having a baby." I cried some more and hugged him so tightly he laughed. Glancing again at the pregnancy test in his hand, he said "That line is really faint ... are we sure it's positive?" I explained frantically that the line represents a presence of hcg and if it's faint it usually just means there isn't a strong presence of hcg because the pregnancy is quite new (which would make sense in our case.) I could tell he was afraid to get too excited just in case it ended up being a false alarm. But I knew.

I knew I was pregnant at the end of the second week in October. I could feel it. My body felt different somehow ... more important. Waiting 2 weeks for the positive test result was torture but somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew what the answer would be: yes.

My heart is full of pride and joy at what we've created, yet my brain is consumed with worry and apprehension. There's a major part of me that wars against my excitement - a part that cautions me not to get my hopes up just in case we lose this baby too. But no matter how terrified I am or how realistic I try to be, I'm absolutely overwhelmed with joy. And until I have a reason to feel otherwise, every day feels like the best day of my life.

An Open Letter to my Uterus

Dear Baby,

Please stay put. Please keep growing and developing. We have so much to show you.

We already love you so much.

Please don't leave us. Lets go the distance this time.

Love,
Mama

2 Years

James and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary this week. 2 years of challenges, adventures, love, and laughter. So much laughter. I am more blessed than I ever thought possible:

"I'm going to love you forever and for always, Jen. I am inspired."

A Love Deserved

(Disclaimer: the below statement is untrue and ridiculous, but this blog is about him and these words are his.)

"No matter what I do, I could never deserve you. You're so out of my league."

Scent

While James was hugging me last night, I heard him mumble, "I love the way you smell." When I asked him what I smell like, he replied:

"You smell like my Jen. Part of it is your perfume, lotions, shampoo, makeup ... but it's a million other things, too. You smell like our life together."

Kryptonite

"You are my kryptonite. But in a good way."

Evolution

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I had to stop and smile. I was suddenly overwhelmed with memories of getting ready for my first date with James. I remember being so nervous as I anxiously decided what to wear and touched up my makeup for the 10th time. I remember smelling every bottle in my perfume collection, struggling to settle on which scent I wanted him to smell on his clothes after we'd parted ways for the night. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe when I opened my door and saw him waiting for me, arm extended so he could walk me to the car. I remember prompting myself to find a way to memorize his smile and laugh, just in case I'd never see them again. I remember loving him - right from that very first moment - and in finding him, I somehow found myself again.

So as he kissed me goodbye today and I resumed hastily applying my makeup and searching for clean clothes, I was struck by the contrast of those moments. He says he's mine forever now, so I wear less makeup and I throw on yoga pants and a (mostly) clean shirt for our dates. But I still feel my breath catch in my chest when I see him waiting at the front door - our front door - to walk me to the car. Just like that first night.

Our story has evolved but our love is the same.

The World

"I can't wait to marry you some day. I can't wait to give you the world."

Change

I recently decided to leave a job that, while a great opportunity, is slowly stealing my joy and peace. I was offered 3 new jobs and was torn between one that would keep us financially stable indefinitely, and one that's less secure but would fulfill my desire to help people.

"Whatever you decide, I've got your back. I'm for you, my sweet. I just want you to be happy. You deserve that."

Loss and Love

It has been 2 months since we lost our baby. I didn’t write about my miscarriage in this blog because this is a collection of mini love-notes to James and I felt that recording our pain would somehow tarnish the story I’m beginning to tell.

I was wrong.

My miscarriage – our loss – was probably the most prominent example of James’ love for me. The times I woke up in the middle of the night, grief-stricken and devastated, he comforted me until I fell asleep again. It would be weeks before I knew that when I cried, he cried too. We were both so excited to have a little baby enter our lives and, despite our loss, we still are. He was a father before I met him and I’m convinced I will get to see him be a father to our own children one day.

 

I thought I loved him with every piece of my heart and being on February 8^th. Then, I loved him in a new way on February 9^th when we found out we were expecting. When we lost our baby on March 1^st, I discovered another part of myself that was capable of loving him. My loss and my grief were substantial (and, at times, still are) but he is capable of quieting even the parts of me that are screaming in pain.

I learned to love him through our loss. And I discovered (for the thousandth time) just how lucky I am.

Hide and Seek

In my last post, I spent time releasing and forgiving 2012 for a truly difficult year; one full of loss and insecurity and pain. I promised to allow 2013 to renew my purpose and hope and so far, I have kept this promise.

On February 9th, 2013, James and I found out we're having a baby.
Suddenly, my life has more purpose and hope than I could've ever imagined. Suddenly, the struggles of 2012 don't seem so senseless - in hindsight, they appear to be the thistled trail that we limped down only to arrive in paradise. This sweet gift feels like the reward we've been given for enduring trials that threatened our safety and sanity ... this precious surprise is the beautiful redemption I didn't dare dream of.

In 2012, so much was lost.

In 2013, we rediscovered our joy.

What a lovely game of hide and seek.