My Generals

** For my cheerleaders, my best friends, my champions ... please understand the below is just a snapshot of my battle. I'm fine - this is not a  cry for help - this is my heart. Thank you for fighting with me and for me. Your constancy and love continue to humble and rescue me. I love you. **

There are days when things don't seem "okay" and nothing makes sense. I feel like there is a war being waged inside me ... my bones are the barracks, my organs are the hostages ... my heart, the front-lines. I cringe to confess that there are days that I feel like my body has surrendered and all has been lost. Months of prescriptions and half-hearted reassurance from my medical team has worn me down ... and I'm struggling to believe that help is on the way. I don't have a little white flag to signal my surrender and on days when it seems like I'm fighting a losing battle, I am grateful for it's absence. Without an option to throw up my hands and forego the fight, I am forced to push through the fear and hopelessness ... to find whatever remains in what I feel are the ruins of my body, and turn the rubble into a war-machine. Cause on days when things don't seem "okay" and nothing makes sense, you are there. You are my Generals. You are my hope. If you tell me it will be okay, then it will. And so I gather myself and using you as marker, I fight. 

All is not lost. 
I'll never be lost. 
You wouldn't leave me behind. 
You are there. 

A Living Dream

James recently spent 2 days in Edmonton for his brother's bachelor party. We hadn't spent that much time apart since we first started dating, and I missed him terribly. The night he got back, he excitedly greeted me with a big warm hug and proceeded to kiss me all over my face, making us both giggle. As we were laughing, he held me at arms-length, sighed contentedly and said ...

"You're real. Sometimes I'm convinced that all of this must be a dream but ... you're real."

How He Sees Me

James tells me I'm beautiful numerous times a day. Every time he leaves the house to go to work, I tell him he's handsome and he tells me I'm beautiful - it's our little tradition. Recently, I caught him staring at me while I was watching tv and when I asked him why, he shook his head and said ...

"My god, you are stunning. I just can't believe you're mine."

Time

"We're just beginning, baby ..."

A Promise

"I will marry you someday. And I'll take care of you for the rest of our lives."

What If?

I was told today that if my back pain isn't mechanical, it's probably MS or Parkinson's Disease.  

Me: What if I end up in a wheelchair?
James: You'll be beautiful.

Me: I don't want to be a burden ...

James: You will never be a burden. You are a joy and a pleasure. 

Love

"I love our life together. I just love our love."

Music

"You're my music."

Safe

"Take a deep breath ... you're safe with me"

Simple

Sometimes it's the simplest phrases that pack the most punch ...

"Great job, honey. I am so proud of you."

Overheard

At a party recently, James was chatting with a guy he grew up with and has been close with for years. He didn't realize I was just around the corner talking to a group of girls and could hear his conversation quite clearly. His friend mentioned that he hadn't seen James this happy in years and asked if I was the reason for the spring in his step. James' response, quite honestly, still brings tears to my eyes:

"Dude, she's the one. I said I'd never get married again but ... there's not a doubt in my mind that she will be my wife some day. I'm gonna marry that girl. She's my best friend."

Trifecta

After I told him a particularly raunchy joke:

"I love that about you. I love that I can leave you alone with my Mom and Grandma and hours later they'll go on and on about how sweet and charming you are. But even more than that? I love that I can leave you alone with half a dozen of my friends and hours later they'll go on and on about how funny and crass you are. Smart, funny, and hot? It's the dream."

Fairy Tale

"You're gorgeous - and not just regular gorgeous! No, you're like princess gorgeous."

Who I Am

"You are my princess. No, you're my queen. I wake up every day and can't believe you're mine - all I wanna do is see you smile. I just want to make you happy." 

Love Lift Me

Due to my back problems, I experience frequent weakness in my right leg - sometimes to the point where I can't walk without holding on to someone ...

"When you're weak, I will carry you."

As Long As We're Together

If one of us had to re-locate for some reason:

"I'd follow you around the world; baby, I'd follow you anywhere."

He's Got My Back

I've been off work for the past 4 months due to back pain that, as of yesterday, could end up requiring major surgery. Scared of the strain my lengthy recovery could put on our relationship, I tearfully advised James that there have been studies done on couples going through similar hardships and that a considerable number of them ended up splitting.

Smiling, he gently pushed my hair out of my face and wiped away the steady stream of tears that had been falling since it occurred to me that I could lose him. His smile faded as he took my face in his hands, kissed my forehead and confidently stated ...

"They've never studied us. I will never leave your side - I will always love you."

Getting The Ball Rolling

"You are my muse - you're the kind of woman that men write songs about."

A Champion

On February 27, 2012, I sat down and wrote the following:

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Until very recently, I have been undeniably unlucky in love. Never one to heed a warning or acknowledge an obvious sign, I habitually walked heart-first into disastrous relationships that left me huddled and broken, vowing to know better next time. The most recent disaster broke me down from the inside out and left me terrified of ever feeling anything ever again.

And then there was James.

I'm completely without words when I try to articulate what and who he is. Suffice to say, he's the game-changer. The first time we met, I genuinely felt the atmosphere around me shift. I physically felt my body relax and I felt like, for the first time in months, I could breathe again. He calmed me and put me at ease - the affect he had on me was instant and tangible.

Since that moment, not a day has gone by that I haven't felt completely, overwhelmingly lucky to have him in my life and by my side. A partner in the truest sense, he makes me feel like all the rambling, emotional, manic parts of myself have found a safe-house in him. He is a truth that I had no idea how to recognize and he is the love I was sure I would never find.

Though I feel I fall embarrassingly short of the kind of woman he deserves, he believes me to be everything I lack. When I fail him, he shows me the kind of grace I feel incapable of showing others. When I punish him for the deeds of those who knew my heart before him, he recognizes my fears and insecurities and reminds me (yet again) that he is not them.

In the past, I've loved liars, abusers, addicts, thieves, con-men, and criminals. But today, I love a man who proves them all to be boys who were incapable of loving me back.

Every fiber of my being reaches for him despite time or proximity - and I find him, without fail, at the center of all that is good and beautiful in my heart.

For the first time, I'm in love with a good man.

For the first time, I'm in love with a champion.

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These words are as true today as they were then - truer, even. So, after spending the last 10 months trying to commit all of my beloved's sweet and funny one-liners to memory, I decided to start this blog to preserve the moments in our relationship that my sieve-like memory is likely to lose track of. In the same vein as Elizabeth Barrett Browning, there's an endless list of ways that I love my partner and I welcome you to join me as I endeavour to count them.