My Resolution

2012 has not been kind to me or to those I hold dear. It has been 12 months of pain, sickness, disappointment, and grief. From the loss of jobs to the loss of loved ones, many of my friends are desperate to welcome a new year and leave the wreckage of 2012 behind as a forgotten season - cold, dark, and finally over. I count those friends as kindreds, for this past year has truly been one of the hardest of my life. I won't exhaust you with the details of my struggles over the last 12 months (and believe me, I know many have faced much worse than I), but I can confidently say that it was a year of loss.

As much as I am eager to step into a new year with renewed hope and fresh perspective, something keeps prompting me to take the time to forgive 2012 for hurting me and so many that I love. While I know that it's impossible to hold a calendar year responsible for my trials, it's also impossible to reconcile with each person, decision, and event that contributed to such a difficult season. So this exercise, while symbolic, serves to help me reconcile with myself and with the events of 2012 as a whole so that I can enter 2013 unencumbered by bitterness and fear. I welcome you to join me as I forgive and release 2012.

So, here we go ...

2012, I forgive you for the loss of ...

... my jobs - one of which gave me more happiness and purpose than I have ever known.
... my health - for keeping me from living my life and being with those that I love.
... my pride - for robbing me of my ability to protect myself and those around me from pain.
... my security - financial, physical, emotional, and mental.
... my confidence - for causing me to second-guess every decision I make and every relationship I have.
... my hope - for all those months spent feeling completely devoid of hope, unable to conjure it up in the smallest form.
... my strength - for weakening me in every single way and causing me to feel helpless.
... my sleep - for making me afraid to close my eyes because I couldn't be sure if I would wake up in the hospital or not wake up at all.
... my memories - for stealing the memory of some truly beautiful moments with those that I love and making me feel so lost without understanding why.
... my purpose - for making me feel like even the smallest tasks were insurmountable and that my dreams were unattainable.
... my peace - for stealing every ounce of security in my life so that all I felt was anger and fear.
... my relationships - for making it impossible for me to relate to those I love in my normal way but more so for making them feel like they lost me - like I was a different person.
... my self - for making me afraid that I would never be the same again - that I was not only lost to my loved ones, but lost to myself.
... my joy - for sucking the light out of my eyes and life, so that my laughter was hollow and smile was forced.
... my trust - for making me afraid to be honest with my friends and family, convinced that they would be somehow infected by my struggles.
... my energy - for exhausting me, leaving me too defeated and tired to fight for my own health.

... and finally, 2012, I forgive you for what you've done to my friends and family. I forgive you for stealing their health, joy, hope, peace, strength, and security. I forgive you for taking their loved ones away and I forgive you for forcing them to watch, helpless, while the people they care about struggle and grieve. I forgive you for exhausting so many of us and I forgive you for making us afraid that 2013 will be anything at all like you. 

But there is one thing I'd like to thank you for, 2012. Thank you for breaking my heart, my spirit, and my pride. Thank you for forcing me to accept the support, love, and help of my amazing friends and family - thank you for giving them so many opportunities to be strong when I was weak. Defenseless and broken, I had no choice but to let them show me that I don't always have to hold myself together because I'll find strength in them when I need to fall apart.

2013, I welcome you with open arms and I promise to try my best not to punish you for the events of 2012. I promise to try and cultivate healthy relationships that will help to rebuild all that was lost over the last 12 months. I promise to allow you to bring new hope and purpose to my life and I promise to be open to people and experiences that will make this a year to remember and not a year to regret.

But mostly, 2013, I promise not to drag the fear, failure, and disappointment of 2012 around with me for another year. I accept responsibility for my part in the events that marred my year, and I forgive and release anyone else involved from the expectation that they make things right through words or actions. It's over now. What's done is done.

The year is new, and so am I. 

Whispered

Tonight, as James hugged me, he sighed happily and whispered:

"My love. My match. My dream girl."

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

Anyone who knows me well can attest to my silly, child-like nature. While less frequent since I turned 25, I still have episodes of completely random and unprovoked silliness, usually taking a physical form and causing me to skip or even run with excitement during a decidedly mundane activity. Recently I was shopping with James and a friend of ours in Wal-Mart when I was overcome with the need to release some child-like whimsy. James had taken a seat on a bench while my friend was paying for her purchases and, as I watched him occupy himself on his phone, a lovely thought crossed my mind, "I don't have to pretend to be classy and mature. I can be hyper and ridiculous and completely immature and he'll totally dig it." With that thought in mind, I approached him excitedly, plunked myself down on his lap, and proceeded to conjure up the most ridiculous Christmas list possible: "I want a lifetime supply of crystal meth, hair extensions for my Furby, a green card for my penpal Saddam ... Oh! And I want a pony - but not one of those little ones. I want a big ass pony named Elmer - that way I'll never run out of glue." Laughing, James wrapped his arms around me, told me he loved me, and kissed me. Sliding his arm under my legs, he then lifted me up in his arms and started spinning us around in a circle. In that moment I felt completely, 100% happy. I had approached him assuming that my immaturity would amuse him, but I didn't expect that he would join me in my insanity.

I am forever grateful for James' sense of fun and adventure. There's something so wonderful about watching him devise new ways to entertain himself or others, and there's something so freeing about knowing that I don't need to hide my true self from him. What others find immature, he finds endearing. At the end of the day, James truly delights in anything that makes me smile or laugh - which, I suppose, is why he's my constant source of joy and one of the happiest people I know. **As I was typing this post, James sent me the following message that just happens to suit my final sentiment. **

"I love my life with you. I'm so so happy. I will try my hardest to make you happy for the rest of our lives together."

Thoughts into Words

James frequently texts me midday and says lovely things to make me smile and let me know he's thinking of me ...

"You're wonderful! You're distractingly beautiful and twice as nice. Wicked smart and funny too."

"You are simply the most beautiful woman I have ever seen."

He Moves Me

Quite regularly James will come home from work and I'll be in the kitchen washing dishes or cooking supper. He will then slide his arms around my waist, kiss the back of my neck, and spin me around to face him. He'll pull me close to him, take my left hand in his and, while resting his cheek against my head, he'll begin to hum. Never once has he hummed a song that I recognize - in fact, every song he hums is being made up on the spot. While humming this original little tune, he will guide me around the kitchen, holding me tight and occasionally twirling me. And it doesn't matter if I'm not in the mood to dance or if I've had a bad day, as soon as he pulls me close and begins to hum, I'm home. I will never get tired of dancing with James - whether its in our tiny kitchen or in a grand ballroom - because nothing makes me feel more safe or beautiful than those moments with him.

By Any Other Name

James has a multitude of adorable nicknames for me. I would hate to ever forget them so here goes ...

CookiePie
Sweetie/Sweetheart/Sweetness/My sweet 
My love
Lovely lady/Pretty lady
Beautiful/Gorgeous
My darling girl
Sweet princess
My queen
My perfect woman
Future wife 
Wonder Woman
My belle
Brown eyes
Smiley

1 Year

Yesterday was our 1 year anniversary. 365 days of pure bliss. While the year went by faster than I could've ever imagined, it feels like we've been together forever. When discussing our anniversary with the friend who initially set us up, she had similar feelings: "God, it's only been one year?! It feels much longer. It feels like there was no one else before the two of you. Neither of you has a past in my world." And that's exactly how we feel. Both James and I feel like there was only ever him and I. We barely acknowledge past relationships as, since finding one-another, all previous romances pale in comparison and can't even be considered relationships. He really is my first love and, in my heart, I know he'll be my only love. These are the sentiments we exchanged on our special day:

My note to James: In the past year you've healed me, changed me, loved me, and saved me. You are my joy, my prince, my best friend, and my hero. Happy anniversary, James. You're the greatest adventure I've ever had.  

His note to me: Jen,  You are my perfect woman. Your sense of humour, kind heart, wisdom, and beauty make me thankful for everyday I have with you. You've made me a better man simply by knowing you. The adventure has only just begun. I love you with all of my heart. Happy Anniversary.

I am so thankful for the first of many years together. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. 

Companion

"You will never be alone. Never."

Silly

I have a tendency to take ridiculously unattractive and bizarre photos of myself and send them to James to make him laugh. The last time I did, this was the result:

James: "Gorgeous! I am a lucky man"

Jen: "Oh don't be silly ..."

James: "I can't help it. I'm silly over you." 

Good God ... I know the feeling! 

Home

"As long as I'm with you, I'm home."

My Generals

** For my cheerleaders, my best friends, my champions ... please understand the below is just a snapshot of my battle. I'm fine - this is not a  cry for help - this is my heart. Thank you for fighting with me and for me. Your constancy and love continue to humble and rescue me. I love you. **

There are days when things don't seem "okay" and nothing makes sense. I feel like there is a war being waged inside me ... my bones are the barracks, my organs are the hostages ... my heart, the front-lines. I cringe to confess that there are days that I feel like my body has surrendered and all has been lost. Months of prescriptions and half-hearted reassurance from my medical team has worn me down ... and I'm struggling to believe that help is on the way. I don't have a little white flag to signal my surrender and on days when it seems like I'm fighting a losing battle, I am grateful for it's absence. Without an option to throw up my hands and forego the fight, I am forced to push through the fear and hopelessness ... to find whatever remains in what I feel are the ruins of my body, and turn the rubble into a war-machine. Cause on days when things don't seem "okay" and nothing makes sense, you are there. You are my Generals. You are my hope. If you tell me it will be okay, then it will. And so I gather myself and using you as marker, I fight. 

All is not lost. 
I'll never be lost. 
You wouldn't leave me behind. 
You are there. 

A Living Dream

James recently spent 2 days in Edmonton for his brother's bachelor party. We hadn't spent that much time apart since we first started dating, and I missed him terribly. The night he got back, he excitedly greeted me with a big warm hug and proceeded to kiss me all over my face, making us both giggle. As we were laughing, he held me at arms-length, sighed contentedly and said ...

"You're real. Sometimes I'm convinced that all of this must be a dream but ... you're real."

How He Sees Me

James tells me I'm beautiful numerous times a day. Every time he leaves the house to go to work, I tell him he's handsome and he tells me I'm beautiful - it's our little tradition. Recently, I caught him staring at me while I was watching tv and when I asked him why, he shook his head and said ...

"My god, you are stunning. I just can't believe you're mine."

Time

"We're just beginning, baby ..."

A Promise

"I will marry you someday. And I'll take care of you for the rest of our lives."

What If?

I was told today that if my back pain isn't mechanical, it's probably MS or Parkinson's Disease.  

Me: What if I end up in a wheelchair?
James: You'll be beautiful.

Me: I don't want to be a burden ...

James: You will never be a burden. You are a joy and a pleasure. 

Love

"I love our life together. I just love our love."

Music

"You're my music."

Safe

"Take a deep breath ... you're safe with me"

Simple

Sometimes it's the simplest phrases that pack the most punch ...

"Great job, honey. I am so proud of you."

Overheard

At a party recently, James was chatting with a guy he grew up with and has been close with for years. He didn't realize I was just around the corner talking to a group of girls and could hear his conversation quite clearly. His friend mentioned that he hadn't seen James this happy in years and asked if I was the reason for the spring in his step. James' response, quite honestly, still brings tears to my eyes:

"Dude, she's the one. I said I'd never get married again but ... there's not a doubt in my mind that she will be my wife some day. I'm gonna marry that girl. She's my best friend."

Trifecta

After I told him a particularly raunchy joke:

"I love that about you. I love that I can leave you alone with my Mom and Grandma and hours later they'll go on and on about how sweet and charming you are. But even more than that? I love that I can leave you alone with half a dozen of my friends and hours later they'll go on and on about how funny and crass you are. Smart, funny, and hot? It's the dream."

Fairy Tale

"You're gorgeous - and not just regular gorgeous! No, you're like princess gorgeous."

Who I Am

"You are my princess. No, you're my queen. I wake up every day and can't believe you're mine - all I wanna do is see you smile. I just want to make you happy." 

Love Lift Me

Due to my back problems, I experience frequent weakness in my right leg - sometimes to the point where I can't walk without holding on to someone ...

"When you're weak, I will carry you."

As Long As We're Together

If one of us had to re-locate for some reason:

"I'd follow you around the world; baby, I'd follow you anywhere."

He's Got My Back

I've been off work for the past 4 months due to back pain that, as of yesterday, could end up requiring major surgery. Scared of the strain my lengthy recovery could put on our relationship, I tearfully advised James that there have been studies done on couples going through similar hardships and that a considerable number of them ended up splitting.

Smiling, he gently pushed my hair out of my face and wiped away the steady stream of tears that had been falling since it occurred to me that I could lose him. His smile faded as he took my face in his hands, kissed my forehead and confidently stated ...

"They've never studied us. I will never leave your side - I will always love you."

Getting The Ball Rolling

"You are my muse - you're the kind of woman that men write songs about."

A Champion

On February 27, 2012, I sat down and wrote the following:

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Until very recently, I have been undeniably unlucky in love. Never one to heed a warning or acknowledge an obvious sign, I habitually walked heart-first into disastrous relationships that left me huddled and broken, vowing to know better next time. The most recent disaster broke me down from the inside out and left me terrified of ever feeling anything ever again.

And then there was James.

I'm completely without words when I try to articulate what and who he is. Suffice to say, he's the game-changer. The first time we met, I genuinely felt the atmosphere around me shift. I physically felt my body relax and I felt like, for the first time in months, I could breathe again. He calmed me and put me at ease - the affect he had on me was instant and tangible.

Since that moment, not a day has gone by that I haven't felt completely, overwhelmingly lucky to have him in my life and by my side. A partner in the truest sense, he makes me feel like all the rambling, emotional, manic parts of myself have found a safe-house in him. He is a truth that I had no idea how to recognize and he is the love I was sure I would never find.

Though I feel I fall embarrassingly short of the kind of woman he deserves, he believes me to be everything I lack. When I fail him, he shows me the kind of grace I feel incapable of showing others. When I punish him for the deeds of those who knew my heart before him, he recognizes my fears and insecurities and reminds me (yet again) that he is not them.

In the past, I've loved liars, abusers, addicts, thieves, con-men, and criminals. But today, I love a man who proves them all to be boys who were incapable of loving me back.

Every fiber of my being reaches for him despite time or proximity - and I find him, without fail, at the center of all that is good and beautiful in my heart.

For the first time, I'm in love with a good man.

For the first time, I'm in love with a champion.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
These words are as true today as they were then - truer, even. So, after spending the last 10 months trying to commit all of my beloved's sweet and funny one-liners to memory, I decided to start this blog to preserve the moments in our relationship that my sieve-like memory is likely to lose track of. In the same vein as Elizabeth Barrett Browning, there's an endless list of ways that I love my partner and I welcome you to join me as I endeavour to count them.