Change

I recently decided to leave a job that, while a great opportunity, is slowly stealing my joy and peace. I was offered 3 new jobs and was torn between one that would keep us financially stable indefinitely, and one that's less secure but would fulfill my desire to help people.

"Whatever you decide, I've got your back. I'm for you, my sweet. I just want you to be happy. You deserve that."

Loss and Love

It has been 2 months since we lost our baby. I didn’t write about my miscarriage in this blog because this is a collection of mini love-notes to James and I felt that recording our pain would somehow tarnish the story I’m beginning to tell.

I was wrong.

My miscarriage – our loss – was probably the most prominent example of James’ love for me. The times I woke up in the middle of the night, grief-stricken and devastated, he comforted me until I fell asleep again. It would be weeks before I knew that when I cried, he cried too. We were both so excited to have a little baby enter our lives and, despite our loss, we still are. He was a father before I met him and I’m convinced I will get to see him be a father to our own children one day.

 

I thought I loved him with every piece of my heart and being on February 8^th. Then, I loved him in a new way on February 9^th when we found out we were expecting. When we lost our baby on March 1^st, I discovered another part of myself that was capable of loving him. My loss and my grief were substantial (and, at times, still are) but he is capable of quieting even the parts of me that are screaming in pain.

I learned to love him through our loss. And I discovered (for the thousandth time) just how lucky I am.