Busy Days

Hello Baby,

My, you're a busy little one these days. It's been a while since I've written to you - mostly because Daddy and I have been spending most of our time getting ready for your arrival. Today you are exactly 8 months into your development and the time has flown by. I can't wait to meet you but I am simultaneously begging the days to slow down so that I have more time to prepare - I just want you to feel safe and loved when you get here.

Daddy sings to you quite often now - most recently it was "Goodnight, Sweetheart" but he substituted "Sweetheart" with your name. You respond to his voice immediately and he constantly notes how strong you're getting and reminds you to be gentle on your Mama. He refers to the two of us as "his girls" - I'll frequently get text messages from him that say "How are my girls doing today?" It makes me smile every time! He is so excited to play with you and show you how to get into trouble - though I get the feeling you'll have no problem finding trouble all on your own!

It's probably getting crowded in there now and your movements aren't as quick. I hope you're comfortable and that I don't upset you with all the terrible candy I eat lately. I've been baking lots of goodies and eating far too many of them - I promise, I'm trying to be better! I'm watching my belly pulse and bulge from your movements right now. I just ate a granola bar and they always make you pretty jumpy! Daddy says he loves you and he hopes you're having a nice day and growing big and strong.

Mama loves you too, sweet girl.

See you soon!

Be Brave

My Dear Scarlett,

Your Mama desperately needs to stop reading articles about what our first few months with you will be like. While well-intentioned, they're terrifying! Even if it's true that your Daddy and I will essentially be hostages in our own home, enslaved by your emotions and needs for what seems like FOREVER, that's not what I want to hear right now.

I'm scared enough as it is and I just want to imagine that it won't be as hard as I think and that everything will be just fine (because it will). So I'm going to take a break from all these other "mommy blogs" and just enjoy my time with you as you grow inside me. I'm going to try my best to just BE BRAVE.

Daddy and I had our first prenatal class last night! It was lots of fun - the instructor is a hoot and the information she gave us was really interesting! After the class we went out for a nice dinner and spent some time staring at one-another and marveling at how lucky we are to have found each other and now to be expecting you. We are shamelessly, nauseatingly in love (as you will soon discover).

Your Daddy sings to you from time to time and has taken to teaching you life-lessons already! Last night he advised you to spend a lot of time just quietly observing people because you can learn a lot about the world we live in by people-watching. He's an old soul, your Daddy, but he's a wise one. He also said the following:

"You're gonna be kind and wise, just like your Mama. So make sure you listen to her - she's a smart lady with a lot of great advice to give."

We love you.
Mama xoxox

Unsure

Hello Darling,

Can you tell how anxious I am? I have countless moments of doubt, insecurity, uncertainty, and heart-stopping fear. One moment I'll be blissfully imagining what our lives will be like once you arrive, and the next moment will see me emotionally doubled-over in crippling fear that I will screw you up and fail to provide you with all the love and care you deserve.

I can't promise you that I won't fail you ... and I can't promise you that I won't disappoint you ... but I can promise you this:

There will never be a day, sweet child, that I don't love you.
There will never come a time that you question where your home is.

We will always love you and we will always be your home.

Love,
Mama

Voices

Hi My Girl,

I'm sorry that I haven't written to you as much lately. I was very sick again last weekend and had to spend 4 days in the hospital getting lots of medications and fluids to help make me better. I hope you weren't too disturbed by being poked and prodded by all the doctors and nurses. It was lovely to hear your steady little heartbeat over and over during my hospital stay. Every time the nurses gave me medication they would listen to your heart to make sure you weren't being affected by it (you weren't - you are still as healthy as can be!)

I'm feeling much better these days - still tired and achy but the doctors have given me medicine to take for the rest of my pregnancy to (hopefully) prevent me from getting sick again. I hope you're doing okay in there and that you can feel how deeply loved you are.

You are now almost 23 weeks and seem to be testing your boundaries! Your movements are much stronger and seem almost deliberate at times - especially when your Daddy talks to you. Every time you hear his voice you kick and squirm like crazy! It's very special for both of us to know you're developing a connection with him already. He's going to be your best friend, I just know it! He calls you his Little Lady and Little Dancer and constantly tells you how much he loves you and has been thinking of you. Do you ever get tired of hearing our voices? We talk to you so much!

I can't wait to hear your voice for the first time, sweet girl.

I love you,
Mama

Sugar and Spice

Hello My Sweet Little Lady,

Last week we found out that you're a sweet, squirming little girl! Mama cried when the ultrasound technician told us that not only are you a little girl, but you're developing perfectly and there don't seem to be any issues so far. You were a perfect representation of your Daddy and I during the ultrasound - you were face down and refused to turn over (stubborn, like your Mama) and yet you wiggled so much that she couldn't get very good pictures of you (fidgety, just like Daddy!)

We then spent the weekend with your Aunty Becky and your cousins Gregor and Duncan in Medicine Hat! We had so much fun and Aunty Becky has already spoiled you rotten. It was so nice (and surreal) for your Daddy and I to be able to shop for specific items and to call you by name. You were squirmy (as always) and you seem to be getting bigger by the second (so does Mama!)

We are finally starting to imagine what your little bedroom should look like and are planning to start getting it ready very soon. I can't wait to hold you. Your Daddy can't wait to make you laugh.

I love you, sweet girl.
Mama
xoxoxox

Happy Feet

Dear Baby,

Goodness me, you never stop moving! You especially love when your Daddy reads you stories at night. He calls you Tiny Dancer because I said it feels like you're dancing in my belly. You certainly have happy little feet!

Last night you were resting on the left-hand side of my belly and I could see a big lump where you were. It made my belly look lopsided but your Daddy and I got a real kick out of knowing exactly where you were! Daddy finally got to feel you moving around a few days ago - now he is constantly talking to you and putting his hands on my belly so that he can feel you wiggling.

Soon we'll be finding out if you're a little lady or a little gent - we can't wait! We're excited to be able to start preparing for your arrival (and to call you something other than "Baby" and "Little One.")

We love you, Happy Feet. Keep dancing.

Love,
Mama

Time Lapse

Dear Baby,

Sorry it's been a while since I've written to you - I've talked to you every day though and surely that counts for something! Your Mama has been sick as dog for the past couple weeks and I desperately hope the meds and fever and general poorly-ness hasn't affected you. I can feel you squirming around in there though so I suspect you're doing just fine.

You moved when your Daddy was talking to you the other day. It was a lovely moment - I wish he could've felt it too. It was the first time I'd felt you move all day and it was (I assume) in response to his voice. He was telling you he loves you and can't wait to show you the world.

We read to you before bed now. So far it's just Tales of Oliver Pig (one of Mama's favourites when she was younger) but I promise to dig out the Robert Munsch books very soon. Your Daddy hates reading aloud but I love those moments with you both - watching him cuddle up to my belly to read you sweet stories is ... magical. Everything about you is magical.

Stay warm in there, little one. It's still too cold out here for you.

I love you.
Mama

Roots

Dear Baby,

I just want you to know that your Mama and your Daddy are madly in love. Right now, in this moment, we are completely head-over-heels for one another. There will be times when we argue and I'm sure there will be times when we don't seem particularly enchanted with each other but please know: our love has roots. I promise to love your Daddy as best as I can, for as long as I can. And I promise to allow him to love me back.

We promise to show you how to love and how to receive love.

Love,
Mama

Beauty

James and I regularly daydream about what our baby is going to look like - which features they will inherit from us and how we will will see ourselves in them.

Me (talking to my belly): If you look like your Daddy, you will be gorgeous. When you're born, just look for the most handsome man in the room - that's your Papa. If you're a boy, all the girls will love you and follow you around.

James (talking to my belly): "And if you look like your Mama, you're going to get lots of attention. People will stare at you and approach you and you'll have to learn to deal with that humbly - not everyone gets to be as beautiful as you. Besides, something bad could happen and you could end up ugly! So keep that in mind. But how you look will always be just a tiny portion of who you are. You are so much more than that. And you'll always be beautiful to me."

Stars

"I wanna take our child out into the middle of nowhere, on a dark moonless night, and show them the stars. I don't want them to experience life through a screen. The world is so big and it's my job to show them as much of it as I can."

Lucky

Over the Christmas holidays I said to James "Our baby is so lucky to have you." He responded:

"Lucky to have us. I don't think I'd be much good without you. I'm so happy you chose to be with me - it makes me wanna dance."

What If?

Last night I said to James, "What if our baby is born with a disability?" Without missing a beat, he said:

"Then life would be a little more difficult. That's all. No less happy, no less wonderful. Our baby would still be amazing."

The Vessel

Yesterday I was standing (mostly naked) in the mirror, studying my rapidly changing body, when James came up behind me and wrapped me in a big hug. Running his hands over my belly, he said:

"Look at this beautiful, baby-makin' body."

All of My Days

"I'm looking forward to growing old with you." 

Puppy Blues

Dear Baby,

I'm really sad today ... I hope you can't tell. Yesterday we had to give our puppy, Gracie, to the Humane Society because she was aggressive and tried to bite your Mama. Despite her unruly behaviour, I miss her terribly. I'm having a hard time shaking my sadness - I'm sorry if it's affecting you.

Last night your Daddy cheered me up by talking to me about you. We giggled at our funny little family and how interesting it will be to share your life with the people closest to us. Your many aunties and uncles will teach you so much (sarcasm, profanity, and how to be a good and loyal friend), your grandparents will love you fiercely and will make you tons of useful things (Grandma Charlotte) and will tease your Mama and Daddy about being too careful/strict/lenient with you. Your Daddy also imitated what you will look like during your first few months - tiny and wrinkled with a grumpy little face and tiny fists all balled up under your chin. He made your Mama laugh when all she wanted to do was cry. He's so good at that. You'll see.

Your Daddy also reminded me that we gave up our puppy to keep you safe and that, when the time is right, we will get another one. So, while I'm sad and I miss Gracie, I know that we did the right thing and that some day we will introduce you to a new furry best friend. I can't wait to see the look on your face!

Thanks for giving me so much purpose and so much to look forward to.

I love you,
Mama

Eavesdropping on James' Belly Talk

"Hello little one ... I hope you were good for your Mama today. You just stay safe and warm and keep growing, okay? I love you."

Happy Speculation

Dear Baby,

Last night your Daddy and I laid in bed and daydreamed about you - what you will look like, the funny faces you'll make, how terrifying it will be when you realize you can outsmart us ...

I'm afraid I'll screw you up before you even get here - like there's something I can do or say that will bring this entire process to a screeching halt before it really begins. I'm just afraid to lose you. Your Daddy reminded me that we won't be perfect parents and that we'll screw up along the way - probably more than we know. But he also reminded me that, as a team, we will raise you to have integrity and a strong sense of self, and that hopefully those things will carry you through our blunders relatively unharmed.

I hope I'm good enough for you. I'm trying my best - I always will.

Love,
Mama

Belly Whispers

"Hello in there, little one. I love you. I'm going to keep you safe - you'll never have to feel afraid. You're going to grow up strong and happy, kind, smart, and beautiful - just like your Mama."

A Steady Beat

Dear Baby,

Yesterday we saw you. The feeling it gave me was unmatched - until we saw your heart beating. That steady flash on the monitor took my breath away and humbled me more than I'll ever be able to tell you. There you were, all grey and squishy, barely 6 weeks into your development, but your heart was beating 129 beats per minute. Your daddy held my hand and watched the screen, tapping his finger on my skin to match your thumping heart. You're really in there and your heart is beating.

Can you hear my heart beating? Did you know it beats for you?

We love you so much. Keep growing. We'll do the rest.

Love,
Mama

Baby Daddy

Dear Baby,

You are going to have the world's best Daddy. He already loves you so much. He talks to you and tells you he loves you and promises to keep you safe - he thinks about you all the time.

He's going to teach you so many things and take you on a million adventures. He'll teach you how to climb trees (far too high for Mama's comfort) and he'll teach you to dream and explore, even if it's just in our little backyard.

And Baby, he's going to love you the way he loves me. It's overwhelming. His strength and grace and spirit will humble you and bless you. You will never feel unloved.

You're so lucky to have him. We both are.

Love,
Mama

Baby Talk

On Saturday, October 26th, James and I found out we're pregnant again. I cried for a few seconds and then calmly exited the bathroom and sat down next to him on the couch. He was busy on his phone so I waited until he glanced over at me with his trademark smile and slid the positive test into his hand. He stared at it for what felt like forever until slowly a huge grin crept on to his face. He pulled me close and kissed my head and held me while I cried tears of joy. We didn't actually speak for a few minutes until we had to yell at the puppy to stop crawling all over us (she's 40lbs) because we were trying to have a moment.

He placed his hand over my lower abdomen and simply said "We're having a baby." I cried some more and hugged him so tightly he laughed. Glancing again at the pregnancy test in his hand, he said "That line is really faint ... are we sure it's positive?" I explained frantically that the line represents a presence of hcg and if it's faint it usually just means there isn't a strong presence of hcg because the pregnancy is quite new (which would make sense in our case.) I could tell he was afraid to get too excited just in case it ended up being a false alarm. But I knew.

I knew I was pregnant at the end of the second week in October. I could feel it. My body felt different somehow ... more important. Waiting 2 weeks for the positive test result was torture but somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew what the answer would be: yes.

My heart is full of pride and joy at what we've created, yet my brain is consumed with worry and apprehension. There's a major part of me that wars against my excitement - a part that cautions me not to get my hopes up just in case we lose this baby too. But no matter how terrified I am or how realistic I try to be, I'm absolutely overwhelmed with joy. And until I have a reason to feel otherwise, every day feels like the best day of my life.

An Open Letter to my Uterus

Dear Baby,

Please stay put. Please keep growing and developing. We have so much to show you.

We already love you so much.

Please don't leave us. Lets go the distance this time.

Love,
Mama

2 Years

James and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary this week. 2 years of challenges, adventures, love, and laughter. So much laughter. I am more blessed than I ever thought possible:

"I'm going to love you forever and for always, Jen. I am inspired."

A Love Deserved

(Disclaimer: the below statement is untrue and ridiculous, but this blog is about him and these words are his.)

"No matter what I do, I could never deserve you. You're so out of my league."

Scent

While James was hugging me last night, I heard him mumble, "I love the way you smell." When I asked him what I smell like, he replied:

"You smell like my Jen. Part of it is your perfume, lotions, shampoo, makeup ... but it's a million other things, too. You smell like our life together."

Kryptonite

"You are my kryptonite. But in a good way."

Evolution

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I had to stop and smile. I was suddenly overwhelmed with memories of getting ready for my first date with James. I remember being so nervous as I anxiously decided what to wear and touched up my makeup for the 10th time. I remember smelling every bottle in my perfume collection, struggling to settle on which scent I wanted him to smell on his clothes after we'd parted ways for the night. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe when I opened my door and saw him waiting for me, arm extended so he could walk me to the car. I remember prompting myself to find a way to memorize his smile and laugh, just in case I'd never see them again. I remember loving him - right from that very first moment - and in finding him, I somehow found myself again.

So as he kissed me goodbye today and I resumed hastily applying my makeup and searching for clean clothes, I was struck by the contrast of those moments. He says he's mine forever now, so I wear less makeup and I throw on yoga pants and a (mostly) clean shirt for our dates. But I still feel my breath catch in my chest when I see him waiting at the front door - our front door - to walk me to the car. Just like that first night.

Our story has evolved but our love is the same.

The World

"I can't wait to marry you some day. I can't wait to give you the world."

Change

I recently decided to leave a job that, while a great opportunity, is slowly stealing my joy and peace. I was offered 3 new jobs and was torn between one that would keep us financially stable indefinitely, and one that's less secure but would fulfill my desire to help people.

"Whatever you decide, I've got your back. I'm for you, my sweet. I just want you to be happy. You deserve that."

Loss and Love

It has been 2 months since we lost our baby. I didn’t write about my miscarriage in this blog because this is a collection of mini love-notes to James and I felt that recording our pain would somehow tarnish the story I’m beginning to tell.

I was wrong.

My miscarriage – our loss – was probably the most prominent example of James’ love for me. The times I woke up in the middle of the night, grief-stricken and devastated, he comforted me until I fell asleep again. It would be weeks before I knew that when I cried, he cried too. We were both so excited to have a little baby enter our lives and, despite our loss, we still are. He was a father before I met him and I’m convinced I will get to see him be a father to our own children one day.

 

I thought I loved him with every piece of my heart and being on February 8^th. Then, I loved him in a new way on February 9^th when we found out we were expecting. When we lost our baby on March 1^st, I discovered another part of myself that was capable of loving him. My loss and my grief were substantial (and, at times, still are) but he is capable of quieting even the parts of me that are screaming in pain.

I learned to love him through our loss. And I discovered (for the thousandth time) just how lucky I am.

Hide and Seek

In my last post, I spent time releasing and forgiving 2012 for a truly difficult year; one full of loss and insecurity and pain. I promised to allow 2013 to renew my purpose and hope and so far, I have kept this promise.

On February 9th, 2013, James and I found out we're having a baby.
Suddenly, my life has more purpose and hope than I could've ever imagined. Suddenly, the struggles of 2012 don't seem so senseless - in hindsight, they appear to be the thistled trail that we limped down only to arrive in paradise. This sweet gift feels like the reward we've been given for enduring trials that threatened our safety and sanity ... this precious surprise is the beautiful redemption I didn't dare dream of.

In 2012, so much was lost.

In 2013, we rediscovered our joy.

What a lovely game of hide and seek.

My Resolution

2012 has not been kind to me or to those I hold dear. It has been 12 months of pain, sickness, disappointment, and grief. From the loss of jobs to the loss of loved ones, many of my friends are desperate to welcome a new year and leave the wreckage of 2012 behind as a forgotten season - cold, dark, and finally over. I count those friends as kindreds, for this past year has truly been one of the hardest of my life. I won't exhaust you with the details of my struggles over the last 12 months (and believe me, I know many have faced much worse than I), but I can confidently say that it was a year of loss.

As much as I am eager to step into a new year with renewed hope and fresh perspective, something keeps prompting me to take the time to forgive 2012 for hurting me and so many that I love. While I know that it's impossible to hold a calendar year responsible for my trials, it's also impossible to reconcile with each person, decision, and event that contributed to such a difficult season. So this exercise, while symbolic, serves to help me reconcile with myself and with the events of 2012 as a whole so that I can enter 2013 unencumbered by bitterness and fear. I welcome you to join me as I forgive and release 2012.

So, here we go ...

2012, I forgive you for the loss of ...

... my jobs - one of which gave me more happiness and purpose than I have ever known.
... my health - for keeping me from living my life and being with those that I love.
... my pride - for robbing me of my ability to protect myself and those around me from pain.
... my security - financial, physical, emotional, and mental.
... my confidence - for causing me to second-guess every decision I make and every relationship I have.
... my hope - for all those months spent feeling completely devoid of hope, unable to conjure it up in the smallest form.
... my strength - for weakening me in every single way and causing me to feel helpless.
... my sleep - for making me afraid to close my eyes because I couldn't be sure if I would wake up in the hospital or not wake up at all.
... my memories - for stealing the memory of some truly beautiful moments with those that I love and making me feel so lost without understanding why.
... my purpose - for making me feel like even the smallest tasks were insurmountable and that my dreams were unattainable.
... my peace - for stealing every ounce of security in my life so that all I felt was anger and fear.
... my relationships - for making it impossible for me to relate to those I love in my normal way but more so for making them feel like they lost me - like I was a different person.
... my self - for making me afraid that I would never be the same again - that I was not only lost to my loved ones, but lost to myself.
... my joy - for sucking the light out of my eyes and life, so that my laughter was hollow and smile was forced.
... my trust - for making me afraid to be honest with my friends and family, convinced that they would be somehow infected by my struggles.
... my energy - for exhausting me, leaving me too defeated and tired to fight for my own health.

... and finally, 2012, I forgive you for what you've done to my friends and family. I forgive you for stealing their health, joy, hope, peace, strength, and security. I forgive you for taking their loved ones away and I forgive you for forcing them to watch, helpless, while the people they care about struggle and grieve. I forgive you for exhausting so many of us and I forgive you for making us afraid that 2013 will be anything at all like you. 

But there is one thing I'd like to thank you for, 2012. Thank you for breaking my heart, my spirit, and my pride. Thank you for forcing me to accept the support, love, and help of my amazing friends and family - thank you for giving them so many opportunities to be strong when I was weak. Defenseless and broken, I had no choice but to let them show me that I don't always have to hold myself together because I'll find strength in them when I need to fall apart.

2013, I welcome you with open arms and I promise to try my best not to punish you for the events of 2012. I promise to try and cultivate healthy relationships that will help to rebuild all that was lost over the last 12 months. I promise to allow you to bring new hope and purpose to my life and I promise to be open to people and experiences that will make this a year to remember and not a year to regret.

But mostly, 2013, I promise not to drag the fear, failure, and disappointment of 2012 around with me for another year. I accept responsibility for my part in the events that marred my year, and I forgive and release anyone else involved from the expectation that they make things right through words or actions. It's over now. What's done is done.

The year is new, and so am I. 

Whispered

Tonight, as James hugged me, he sighed happily and whispered:

"My love. My match. My dream girl."

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

Anyone who knows me well can attest to my silly, child-like nature. While less frequent since I turned 25, I still have episodes of completely random and unprovoked silliness, usually taking a physical form and causing me to skip or even run with excitement during a decidedly mundane activity. Recently I was shopping with James and a friend of ours in Wal-Mart when I was overcome with the need to release some child-like whimsy. James had taken a seat on a bench while my friend was paying for her purchases and, as I watched him occupy himself on his phone, a lovely thought crossed my mind, "I don't have to pretend to be classy and mature. I can be hyper and ridiculous and completely immature and he'll totally dig it." With that thought in mind, I approached him excitedly, plunked myself down on his lap, and proceeded to conjure up the most ridiculous Christmas list possible: "I want a lifetime supply of crystal meth, hair extensions for my Furby, a green card for my penpal Saddam ... Oh! And I want a pony - but not one of those little ones. I want a big ass pony named Elmer - that way I'll never run out of glue." Laughing, James wrapped his arms around me, told me he loved me, and kissed me. Sliding his arm under my legs, he then lifted me up in his arms and started spinning us around in a circle. In that moment I felt completely, 100% happy. I had approached him assuming that my immaturity would amuse him, but I didn't expect that he would join me in my insanity.

I am forever grateful for James' sense of fun and adventure. There's something so wonderful about watching him devise new ways to entertain himself or others, and there's something so freeing about knowing that I don't need to hide my true self from him. What others find immature, he finds endearing. At the end of the day, James truly delights in anything that makes me smile or laugh - which, I suppose, is why he's my constant source of joy and one of the happiest people I know. **As I was typing this post, James sent me the following message that just happens to suit my final sentiment. **

"I love my life with you. I'm so so happy. I will try my hardest to make you happy for the rest of our lives together."

Thoughts into Words

James frequently texts me midday and says lovely things to make me smile and let me know he's thinking of me ...

"You're wonderful! You're distractingly beautiful and twice as nice. Wicked smart and funny too."

"You are simply the most beautiful woman I have ever seen."

He Moves Me

Quite regularly James will come home from work and I'll be in the kitchen washing dishes or cooking supper. He will then slide his arms around my waist, kiss the back of my neck, and spin me around to face him. He'll pull me close to him, take my left hand in his and, while resting his cheek against my head, he'll begin to hum. Never once has he hummed a song that I recognize - in fact, every song he hums is being made up on the spot. While humming this original little tune, he will guide me around the kitchen, holding me tight and occasionally twirling me. And it doesn't matter if I'm not in the mood to dance or if I've had a bad day, as soon as he pulls me close and begins to hum, I'm home. I will never get tired of dancing with James - whether its in our tiny kitchen or in a grand ballroom - because nothing makes me feel more safe or beautiful than those moments with him.

By Any Other Name

James has a multitude of adorable nicknames for me. I would hate to ever forget them so here goes ...

CookiePie
Sweetie/Sweetheart/Sweetness/My sweet 
My love
Lovely lady/Pretty lady
Beautiful/Gorgeous
My darling girl
Sweet princess
My queen
My perfect woman
Future wife 
Wonder Woman
My belle
Brown eyes
Smiley

1 Year

Yesterday was our 1 year anniversary. 365 days of pure bliss. While the year went by faster than I could've ever imagined, it feels like we've been together forever. When discussing our anniversary with the friend who initially set us up, she had similar feelings: "God, it's only been one year?! It feels much longer. It feels like there was no one else before the two of you. Neither of you has a past in my world." And that's exactly how we feel. Both James and I feel like there was only ever him and I. We barely acknowledge past relationships as, since finding one-another, all previous romances pale in comparison and can't even be considered relationships. He really is my first love and, in my heart, I know he'll be my only love. These are the sentiments we exchanged on our special day:

My note to James: In the past year you've healed me, changed me, loved me, and saved me. You are my joy, my prince, my best friend, and my hero. Happy anniversary, James. You're the greatest adventure I've ever had.  

His note to me: Jen,  You are my perfect woman. Your sense of humour, kind heart, wisdom, and beauty make me thankful for everyday I have with you. You've made me a better man simply by knowing you. The adventure has only just begun. I love you with all of my heart. Happy Anniversary.

I am so thankful for the first of many years together. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. 

Companion

"You will never be alone. Never."

Silly

I have a tendency to take ridiculously unattractive and bizarre photos of myself and send them to James to make him laugh. The last time I did, this was the result:

James: "Gorgeous! I am a lucky man"

Jen: "Oh don't be silly ..."

James: "I can't help it. I'm silly over you." 

Good God ... I know the feeling! 

Home

"As long as I'm with you, I'm home."

My Generals

** For my cheerleaders, my best friends, my champions ... please understand the below is just a snapshot of my battle. I'm fine - this is not a  cry for help - this is my heart. Thank you for fighting with me and for me. Your constancy and love continue to humble and rescue me. I love you. **

There are days when things don't seem "okay" and nothing makes sense. I feel like there is a war being waged inside me ... my bones are the barracks, my organs are the hostages ... my heart, the front-lines. I cringe to confess that there are days that I feel like my body has surrendered and all has been lost. Months of prescriptions and half-hearted reassurance from my medical team has worn me down ... and I'm struggling to believe that help is on the way. I don't have a little white flag to signal my surrender and on days when it seems like I'm fighting a losing battle, I am grateful for it's absence. Without an option to throw up my hands and forego the fight, I am forced to push through the fear and hopelessness ... to find whatever remains in what I feel are the ruins of my body, and turn the rubble into a war-machine. Cause on days when things don't seem "okay" and nothing makes sense, you are there. You are my Generals. You are my hope. If you tell me it will be okay, then it will. And so I gather myself and using you as marker, I fight. 

All is not lost. 
I'll never be lost. 
You wouldn't leave me behind. 
You are there. 

A Living Dream

James recently spent 2 days in Edmonton for his brother's bachelor party. We hadn't spent that much time apart since we first started dating, and I missed him terribly. The night he got back, he excitedly greeted me with a big warm hug and proceeded to kiss me all over my face, making us both giggle. As we were laughing, he held me at arms-length, sighed contentedly and said ...

"You're real. Sometimes I'm convinced that all of this must be a dream but ... you're real."

How He Sees Me

James tells me I'm beautiful numerous times a day. Every time he leaves the house to go to work, I tell him he's handsome and he tells me I'm beautiful - it's our little tradition. Recently, I caught him staring at me while I was watching tv and when I asked him why, he shook his head and said ...

"My god, you are stunning. I just can't believe you're mine."

Time

"We're just beginning, baby ..."

A Promise

"I will marry you someday. And I'll take care of you for the rest of our lives."

What If?

I was told today that if my back pain isn't mechanical, it's probably MS or Parkinson's Disease.  

Me: What if I end up in a wheelchair?
James: You'll be beautiful.

Me: I don't want to be a burden ...

James: You will never be a burden. You are a joy and a pleasure. 

Love

"I love our life together. I just love our love."

Music

"You're my music."

Safe

"Take a deep breath ... you're safe with me"